Ok, so at the heart of this script is 'impatience' which can work. However, in terms of economy and visual communication you need to make few slight changes. 1) The start - Start with an establishing shot that shows the buildings (one poor hut amongst richer buildings). Cut to inside the hut with both characters opening a 'kit' (instructions on how to make gold and the chemicals etc). Have one being careful and the other being excited. This sets up the premise more clearly for the audience.2) Keep the invention as fireworks - This will produce a more visually communicative climax (an audience will know what fireworks mean and they have a more positive message - Gunpowder = Death). When the explosion happens cut to the exterior (buildings) so we see a fireworks display, then cut to two brothers selling their invention.